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POETRY BY SKYLAR ROSE

Coming up with reasons why 
But my body will always remember the pain 

Maybe it lets it go 
Or maybe it’s always there 

And it’s always safe. 

It’s the same as one other place 
Death. 

Both the last two places 
You’d ever think to escape 

Life as circles 

When kids spin 
They are not “I am spinning” 

They are inside of something spinning 

Adults claim to know life 
But they hate what it feels like to spin

I used you like a prophet 
Used you to ignore 

The part of me I didn’t want 
The part you adore 

The part that is you 
Telling me I gotta do just a little more 

Some work to say 
I’m not afraid 

To deny 
Is to choose not to stay 

So I’ll do my best to wait in the darkness 
To always choose my pain 

Is Death 
My only birthright 
Is death 

My only affirmation 
Is, “I will die” 

I can rest here 
Knowing there’s no lie 

It’s not in my heart 
It’s not in my mind 

It’s the consciousness 
Behind 

That knows it’s only purpose 
Is to die 

The only thing that will never leave my side 
Is death 

To give without attachment 

To give without pleasure 

To admit the desire to give 

Without fear that you will not receive 

To receive without fear 

That you will leave 

Without the will 
To need 

Because you know 
You don’t 

Because you know 
You are dying 

And so once you know that 
Death becomes easy 

I don’t know if what the others have claimed 
Is what I feel too 

But the only way around it 
Is through 

A part of always questioning 
A part of me always too sure 

So to be neither 
While still accepting both 

To death, I must always return 

It’s not that I desire to die 
(Because I can’t accept that I will) 

It’s that I am death 
Because I know anything else 

Is not real 

Each time I fall into another me 
A new perception arises to fall upon when I inevitably leave 

To show myself 
How much greater I can always be 

At least this time I’m choosing it 
The same way it is choosing me 

Skipping meals for my heart 
Beats so fast when i hold on to a start 

It needs my mind 
My mind needs it 

If I let one in the other 
at the seams, I fall apart

Stitch them together with desire 
Waiting to break again 

How to fasten with love 
When I give up, I only feel hate ? 

So much pain, that my heart doesn’t want to think 
And my brain doesn’t want to feel 

How to let them do their own jobs 
How to do it slow, heal? 

How to do it on my own 
So I know it’s real ? 

He gets in the car 
He breathes heavy 

He’s scared 
But he won’t let me 

Doesn’t want me to know 
I’m scared too 

And I too, don’t want it to show 

Both placing our image first 

An image for someone else 
That we never asked ourselves, if it had any worth 

For the ones who say 
Be this, be that 

Act your age 

Well I don’t want to act 

And I don’t 

Until he gets in my car everyday 

The tension 
The dis-ease 

Two disillusioned people 
Who never knew peace 

And so I thought I found it 
But he reminds me I haven’t 

When he moves how he thinks I want him to 
And I realize I’m watching him do it 

When he hits his foot on the door 
He talks with a voice higher than before 

This is love 
Between two people, always trying to be more 

I leave sometimes 
Dissociate 

Too much pain inside 
Afraid I might instigate 

So we say nothing 
But we say so much 

And I can’t help but notice 
How much I’ve lost touch 

Haven’t had it in so long 
And since I’ve tried to find it 

I think I have it, just because I know 
But I’m wrong 

And so I never do 
And I’m always growing 

I don’t know how to rid the image 
Without convincing myself 
I’m all knowing 

Master of none 
Always hurting 

It’s always love 
And the motions are always turning 

Never the same as they were 
And so each time he gets in my car 

I prepare myself 
And hate how much I’m preparing 

And so I stopped 
But for him 

The image of being 
Is not really to be 

So how do I do it 
Not for him, but for me? 

I’ll start by admitting 
Part of me wrote this for someone else 

For someone to see 
Just how smart I am 
 
I’ve made myself an object to sell 

And that’s not what I want 

I also wrote this 
And do everything 

For love 

But its never enough 

Never wanting to be who I am 
But always who I am to become 

Fear is your response to potential pain 
And potential love 

You have to admit it 
To overcome 

And once you’ve gotten through all the fear 
You can feel all the love 

Because love is not just what you think it is 
It’s everything you’ve been told is not, but always was 

It’s not just half of it 
It’s too, all the other stuff. 

It’s all the same game 
No matter what 

Every fear is important 
Because when you overcome it 

You find love 

So the only people without fear 
Are those who overcame them all 

Or tell themselves love isn’t real 
Because it’s easier, to fear none 

My biggest fear is pain 
But once I learn how to feel it 

I’ll know love 
In every way 

And I believe that 
Even if I don’t feel it today. 

Making something out of nothing 
And bombs out of the fear of doing that 

Dropping them as apologies 
I’m usually better than I think I am  

Duality 
Never ending 

And so each negative state 
Is really your choosing to perceive 

To believe in the bad of whatever you’re experiencing 

To resist the good 

To be in denial 
Is a state of acceptance 

That you choose to resist 

To experience chaos 
Is resisting clarity because you feel safer in confusion 

But that’s all okay 
All necessary until you see 

Light can’t exist without dark 
My world can’t exist without me 

A reason for everything 

I imagine a sort of satisfaction from murder 
In the moment, that isn’t worth the guilt felt after 

So to all those who killed me 
Did it feel good? 

Maybe, but now you’re feeling guilty 

and my survivor’s guilt 
It begs me not to die 

if I don’t 
I’ll be living, but not really alive 

And so it’s not the guilt of a survivor 
If I didn’t actually survive 

Not that I ever could’ve forever 
That’s the truth of every lie 

Truth wouldn’t exist without dishonesty 
So I’m grateful in the end 

I’m not perfect 
But I’m worthy 

I was born to believe I wasn’t 

My glory 

Making it so that no one could ever deny my beauty 

My rarity 

My love 

And so god can’t exist without the devil 
And why’s can’t exist without because 

Watching the rain fall 
From the streetlight 
This parking lot 
The prettiest sight 

Empty places 
Make me feel full inside 

Like magic in the wind 
The doctor is in 

Sky a gray blue 
It’s all about you 

Can’t stop the dominoes 
The chaos and the calm 

The ace of spades 
Reading my palm 

Loving my weaknesses 
With all my heart 

That’s what makes me strong 
A sucker for the rain 

A lover of pain 

A wizard appearing plain 
My name, so simple 

So many people 
So many people 

Faces I wear 
To love it all 

Is to eliminate cost 

Dreams I had 
To me so real 

To others not so much 

They said you’re silly 
You’re crazy 
Grow up. 

But to me I had 
I already did 
So, so many times. 

You see the elderly 
The ones who no longer despise 

They don’t care for the troubles of the world 
They’ve returned to the child inside 

The one that’s been there all this time. 

So that’s where I find myself now 
So I’m confusing 

Too childish 
Yet too wise.

No one trusts me because 
They can’t decide 

How they feel about my existence

Threatened, yet in love. 

And so I say 
To win this game 

I must not play at all. 

So much I told so many 
That I can’t take back 

The mistakes I made 
I shared to say 
Look at me and what I am, despite what I have been 

Mistakes that I gave 
So they wouldn’t be mine 

So they returned
As they do 

When you don’t accept them as your own 

So now I make them
They don’t define me 

But from them I learn. 

Fickle and passionate 
That’s what my miracle fish tells me 

So I spent all day 
Counting mistakes 

The mistake of counting them to begin with 

That’s the only one left 

To trust myself 
To carry on 
To begin again 

They don’t realize 
Children are your creation 
So if you hate yourself 
You can’t love what you’ve made, yet 

You’ll tell them you love them 
Unconditionally 
They’ll be so confused because 
Conditions are all they see 

God has many names 
Many I got lost in for a while 

Each one brought me closer to myself
And each one left me more in denial 

Shame, pride 
Anger, so vial 

Just wanting to do it right 
Right and wrong, concepts that put you on trial 

Endless judgement of yourself 
In your mind that never stops 

So its less about what god is 
And more about what god is not. 

I wander to a world of knowing 
Whether you’re the same or growing 

Into the man I made you out to be 
A man capable of anything. 

I look around its walls 
Its ceiling I once thought limitless 

The glass more visible now 
I was mistaken in sensing shamelessness. 

I called you special
An artist 

Something I still believe. 

Something I saw in you 
Because I saw it first in me. 

And then I stopped 
Because I couldn’t cure you. 

Not your fault 
But still, I wonder
I do 

If that love
Has come to find you 

And if it had 
Would you thank me? 
Tell me I helped you see? 

Tell me it was so painful at first but in the end 
So rewarding? 

Or maybe you’re not there yet but 
On that journey 

Or maybe I was wrong all along 
And you’d never reach for yourself 

The way I saw you
When you were trying to hide

Or maybe I didn’t know you like I thought 

Or maybe I did 
Maybe you’re better now 
Maybe all along I was right. 

And maybe I’ll never know 

The price I pay  

The cost lessens 
As the days go by. 

As I grow closer to my own heart
The more and more I realize 

I’m better off loving me myself 
Than the love I thought you could provide 

Because that wasn’t you 
And that was selfish of me 
But still, I saw your light. 

It was so beautiful 
So bright. 

Was your wordlessness because 
You lied?

But you claimed to be so honest. 

You clearly have pride 
But did you have to put it first?

I guess you did, since you did 
But I thought you were different 

I thought you understood my love, like yours 
To be a blessing and a curse. 

And maybe, you do 
Maybe you see me too. 

But I’d rather be safe. 

Which confused me for a while because, 
I felt safest with you. 

Now I see that wasn’t true. 
Just an escape. 

And so now I say
Maybe not 

Maybe, for you, the chemical reaction never took place 

Maybe I’ll never speak to him again. 

Not ever, and certainly not today. 

Sometimes I wish I could’ve loved the ones who loved me 
Who never said it 
But I knew it 

Who were my friends 
Til they blew it 

They never said how they felt 
So what was I to do 

But sometimes I wonder what could’ve been, if just once 
I loved them like that too. 

Did they really love me though? 
Or just like that they could protect me 
No one else needed it from them but me 

Or so they thought 
And so they pushed me away 
And so we fought. 

And so is that what I was to him? 
An after thought? 

Because he thought I just wanted him to need me. 

When really, I just wanted him to see me. 

Is that what we all do? 

Do we all break hearts
Just the same as ours are broken too?

A faithless faithfulness 
Not faithful to me 
But to what you think I need 

Always needing something 
More than what I am 

Always hurting when I tell you 
All the ways in which you hurt me 

Crying without knowing 
Hurting because you hurt me 

Not because you see me 

Faithful to me as long as I’m faithful to you 

To the you that you see yourself as 

Somebody without flaws 
Somebody too good to be true 

Everything has its cost 
Winning comes after everything you once knew has been lost 

The price of healing 
Everyone thinks you’re crazy 
The thoughts that come out before the feelings 

The ones so deep 
Buried with the mud 

The ones that leave 
A trail behind of what once was 

And so to release 
You have to speak, I had to run 

Run with the wind 
Go below then above 

So my heart 
I could reach 

I thought I was done 
But they couldn’t see me 

So I stopped seeing myself 
Now I’m alone 

Loyal to no one else 

No going back 
No more secrets to tell 

They’ve all been told 
I forgave them all 

I let go 
I let down my walls 

Not for him, not for them 
I told them to me 

I’m so grateful 
God i feel so free

Peace not just in joy 
But too in suffering 

Happy alone 
Til I realize they’re gone 

The dreams that couldn’t be 
That you would’ve had to see 

They have to be something 
Something just for me 

And so I have them 
But they’re not as strong 

They will be 
Once I write the song 

The one that goes like this 
The one that perfectly expresses 

All my pain and sorrow 
All my love, unborrowed

Given with no fees 

Your heart has to break 
 If you want to be free

How many times 
How can I know 

So I’m no longer afraid 
Because in the end 
I always choose growth 

Clown behavior 
Goes either way 
Head too high 
Or too much shame 

Don’t get caught in your head 
Born to lose cause you can’t win 
Here to win if that’s what you said 

Wrong moves when I’m shameless 
Sin isn’t what you think it is 

Sin isn’t what you think it is 

Nothing matters
Yet everything is sacred  

Loved to be hated 
Because that’s the only way they could love me 

What I thought was fated 
Was just a return to what I knew to be safety 
 
But it wasn’t 
It never was 

They always told me it was 
But it was never love 

And then I was the one 
Who did it to myself 

Because how else could I forgive 
Everyone who had done it to me as well? 

So now when I look 
When I think 

I feel nothing 
It startles me because 

It made me feel everything 

So now I know 

No one has ever loved me like I do 

No one ever chose me like I choose 

And I’m grateful for that 

But I deserved better this whole time 

And didn’t know until it was too late 

But I’m the lucky one 

all along, this was my fate. 

Fell for someone much older 
It still haunts me to this day 

Caught a spark when we met 
A feeling i forced to stay 

Something new and exciting 
I thought, this is how it must be 

I was nervous and he knew it 
I wasn’t expecting anything 

He asked me to stay over 
So I did, and I was scared 

I thought he liked all of me 
I thought he cared 

He convinced me he did 
That he saw me all this time 

He was really just picturing me 
He was quick to fantasize 

And he told me he did 
In the bathroom to my pics 

That made me feel worthless 
And then I pushed that feeling away 

Told myself, no that’s normal 
That’s okay! 

And so I don’t just hate him 
I’m ashamed that he exists 

And the hardest part is knowing 
That there was something about me that I saw in him 

And I guess if I was forcing goodness 
At least that’s what I knew I was 

But it seems I can’t escape 
All the mess he made 

The instincts of a man that he’ll always put first 

I chose to believe his words. 

Because I think he believed them too. 

And so I feel for him 
I really do. 

But I can’t help but hate him more. 
Hate him because someone up there knew 
And still knows 

The invasion that took place in my body 

The way he invaded, every single time. 

The way he took advantage of my kindness 

The way he ignored my cries. 

I simply couldn’t say it how I wanted 
And I think he knew that. 

One time I was being myself in front of him 
And he gave me the dirtiest look. 

The one time I freed myself in his presence 
And he gave me that look. 

My heart sunk in its place. 
This is when I realized I hated him 

I hated him, I hated his face. 

And so I thought what am I doing 
Do I hate myself this much? 

To be with someone who cuts me off when I’m speaking 
Who is disgusting 
Who I convinced myself I loved so much. 

And so I cut it off 
He cried and begged and it was disturbing. 

And I had compassion 
I was embarrassed, for us both. 

But I wanted to move on 
So it was love, that I decided to hold 

But I never realized 
Just how gross 

Just how icky he made me feel 
But it was all I ever knew 

So to me, it felt real. 

And then I found myself falling for someone 
Who didn't want me the same 

And I tried to force him to love me 
Just as this man did, the one I hate 

And so I saw the me that was like him 
And I never realized it fully 

And I have to accept what I did 
But I hate it, and comparing it to him 

I feel so unworthy. 

So disgusting. 

For doing all that. 

But those feelings are what got me there in the first place. 

So how do I change that? 

What do I do now that 

I saw that side of me. 

How to be okay with knowing 

I was an invasion of privacy. 

I don’t feel that we’re the same 
Me and the man I hate 

He tricked me 
But did he know? 
It was all just for sex 
All just for show 

And so I did the same 
Not for sex, but for love 
A different game 

One I didn’t know I was playing 
A hole I was trying to fill 

One I tried to control 
It’s emptiness was never acknowledged 

So how could it have been real? 

And I really thought it was 
And so maybe so did he 

And so maybe none of it 
Was ever love. 

But that’s all there ever is 
That’s all that ever was. 

Still, when other intentions are there
It couldn’t have been what I wanted 
It couldn’t have been love. 

And it all left me with so much shame. 

So much shame for letting that man in 
Finally letting him go, and then doing the same. 

How sick 
How sickening 

I want to die 

I want to shrivel up and die. 

And I also want to kill him. 

And I also want to cry. 

He controlled me 
But disguised it as the opposite 

The illusion of choice 
This man was a worm at best. 

And so then, so was I. 

But only because I saw myself as so 
When all I’ve ever done is try 

And this man 
He only cared about himself 

But then, so did I 
When I begged for a man who was going through hell. 

In the end we’re all forgiven 
But my heart doesn’t want to 

My heart still hurts 
So much guilt and ick it holds on to 

And I don’t know how to get rid of it. 

All I know is I really can’t stand that man. 

And the most sickening part is he’ll never accept what he did 
And I don’t even think he can. 

Incapable, at this age. 

Gross ew gross I’m so disgusted 
All he did was manipulate. 

I hate him so much. 
But isn’t hate, just the absence of love? 

And if I hate him 
Then there’s something in me I can’t find love for 

I guess for what I did to the man I wanted 
But how could I, my heart is so sore. 

Did I do something else? 
Something way before? 

That causes me to go back and forth? 

Shadow to ego, ego to shadow, without end. 
When will I just love me 

Maybe the question isn’t when 

But how. 

But then 
I think I’ve done it 

And it didn’t come from my heart 
So it wasn’t. 

Wasn’t enough. 
Wasn’t love. 

And I’m back to zero. 
I hate that man so much 

Do I just hate how he played the hero? 

When he was really the villain all along? 

But the real villain was me 
For even allowing it to go on. 

And so I stopped it 
And did it to someone else 

Tried to be the hero 
Wanted to fix them to fill myself. 

But I thought I had filled myself 
So where did I go wrong? 

Where did I lose touch? 
Why can’t I move on from this man I hate so much. 

He haunts me 
I killed him in a dream. 

It felt so good. 
The thought of him makes me cringe, and scream. 

And imagine all these words I’m saying 
The one I loved, saying them about me. 

That’s where it gets me most. 

So how do I move on 

What do I do
How do I let go

You helped me survive my parents 
But made me existentially embarrassed 

You helped me escape the loud
But you came with to my clouds

The survival game of my heart 
You were the one for my mind 

They both ripped my soul apart 
Both ran me dry 

Over and over 
Cycles on repeat 

Ghosts now 
Strength where I once was weak 

Haunt me if you want 
I give you permission 

Because I’ll never stop 
Healing from my invention 

Alone in this world 
Alone in this body 
In this mind 

Here in this heart 
Peace, I find. 

I didn’t realize how alone I felt 
Until I met someone who took away that pain 

And then he left 
As quickly as he came 

And so the feeling did too 

But it felt so good that I convinced myself 
That it stayed 

And that it wasn’t going to leave 
And neither was he 

But he already had 
And now I sit here with just me 

Realizing this for another time 
Just to feel the pain again of wondering 

Did I too, make him feel like that? 

Less alone, for one second? 

And did he push it away to push away the inevitable pain 
That would come with it? 

Because he was filling me 
So it wouldn’t have worked 

But still 
It still hurts 

I guess in the end 
We all get what we deserve. 

So I hope I find 
Some peace of mind 

In finding that peaceful place in my heart 
That place where life is endless art 

First I must rid my mind of him 
And I don’t know how 

When he’s the closest thing to what I’ve always wanted 
And I’ve never felt the real thing. 

Trying to give up everything 
So I can give up him for good 

And finally feel everything 
I’ve always known I eventually would. 

It just looks different than I thought 
I always thought it’d be with someone else first 

Must the past be relived 
To relinquish the pain in my heart 

Or do I just cry 
Begin yet another new start 

A bit of both, 
You may say 

Time heals all wounds 
Love will be found in the end 

And one day, it will stay. 

Finding in me a lover, a mother, 
A best friend. 

Is this the end of beginning  
Or the beginning of the end? 

Once again, 
Probably both 

Just trying to rest 
Why does it take so much work to let go? 

If it does 
Then there’s something that still has hold 

So I’m patient 
As I slowly fill the holes 

The poison must drown out first 
Before my cup can overflow 

I will get there 
Feeling complete, and whole. 

Asking, why can’t I feel like that yet 
How could I ever deserve it, if I don’t feel it now 

Well, what would be the point 
How could rain fall and restore 

Without first, a drought? 

So it still feels like the motions 
But the motions change 

Feeling my emotions 
Without guilt or shame 

Finding new ways I hadn’t before every time 

Each time the cycle runs through 
Each time I find poison in my mind 

And then it slowly fades away 

And my heart grows stronger 
But it feels weaker today 

Been at this for so long 
Feels like it’ll never end 

The optimism is killing me 
It just feels pretend 

And so I’ll pretend no more 
It hurts my heart, but it must hurt more 

So much buried away 
So much I block out 

I could never take it 
Confused a drought for a house. 

A home, a place of love. 
But that’s never what it was. 

Love, it never was. 

Somehow I always saw it 
That’s how I stayed alive 

But so I was tricking myself the whole time. 

Created someone to hate me 
Once I started loving myself. 

And so anxiety consumed me 
Each time I fell. 

And one day it’ll be gone for good 
Because it wasn’t there to begin with, and so it can’t stay forever. 

No longer filling my mind with shoulds 
Trusting I can handle any storm, any weather. 

But right now it just hurts 
I’m lonely and I’m broken 

And denying it only made it worse. 

And I did for so long. 
And so I still do. 

It used to feel right and now it feels wrong. 

Trying to know it’s neither. 
Just how it was. 

Choosing better 
But feeling like I’ll never 

Get back to before I came undone. 

I’m sad 
I’m desperate 

I’m mad 
I’m helpless 

Yet I’m the only one 
So I trust 

I’ll get me where I must 
Always doing my best, no matter what 

All we ever did, is all we ever was 

All we ever do, is all we ever knew 

My mind knows what my heart hasn’t yet 
Waiting for the day they become one. 

Unification with self, 
A journey that promises heaven 

But first, you must go through hell. 

And I may not have even gone through the worst 
Darkest before dawn 

And there’s still a me doubting if dawn is even what I deserve. 

I know that’s not me 
But it’s the me that is hurt. 

The me that has yet to see the miracle 
The me that still sees the curse. 

It’s okay 
It’s right 

It’s not anything
It’s just life.

Anger in my heart 
Hurts because it’s not yet sadness 

Took it out on the ones I love 
The same ones who drove me to madness 

But they were driven there too 
So now we’re back to sadness 

An endless loop 

That I can’t seem to take myself out of 

Can’t seem to break free 

Of a mess I was never apart of 

Always changed for them and not for me 

Following my heart set me free 

And my mind brought me back to them 

And when I fell in love and wasn’t loved back 

It drove me mad once more 

Because I knew it was love 
But holding on wasn’t my heart 

But I couldn’t have known that before 

And I’m lucky 

Because I’ve undone so many thoughts 

With each relationship 
Where I thought I was the one 

Who needed to grow 
So I’d grow and leave 

Because my heart told me so 
But after the growth 

And so I always killed two birds with one stone 

The same stone then raised two birds in its place 

A lesson for the mind, and a closer knowing of my heart 

I never was afraid of a new start. 

Almost too accustomed at this point 
I hope the next will last a little longer 

Sustain me well 

Now that I know who I am 

Now that I don’t need anyone to tell

Because demons caught me on the way 
They told me I needed others to approve 

Or it was fake. 

The nudge on my heart 
And so when they didn’t 

It fell apart 

And my mind tried to figure it out 
But it never does 

Only takes me right back here 
The only place that ever was 

My love. 

My highs and lows 
They’re all loved

Cherished, because growth 
Always follows 

Love 
Always flows 

No matter what 

And so whoever finds me here 
I will know with no doubt 

Whether they’re here to stay 
Or whether they’ll break 

Me first, them eventually 

Because now I know 
Love is not a test 

But it’s all I ever knew 
So now I can finally rest. 

At peace at last. 
And if a lover finds me 

Please lord, let it be my last. 

Lasting love. 
Because I’ve found it for myself 

I may not be perfect 
But this is heaven compared to that hell. 

And so I’m happy 
But I’m still sad 

Still not far away yet 
From all the good and bad 

Still not exactly able 
To just be 

But I always am and always have been 
I just couldn’t see 

And now I can 
And there’s no doubt in my head 

A fear lingers 
But I’ve conquered most 

The fear of myself 
But myself, I have come to know 

And love 

And so now I know when someone doesn’t 
And when someone does 

For real 
And not for advantage 

I’m healed 
For now, so to me this is lavish. 

Enlightenment 
Is it this? 

Have I done it? 
Have the cycles stopped? 

No way to be sure 
But I accept if not 

She can tell I’m sad 
She says “can I have a hug” 

So she’s the one 
Who needs it more than me 

Yet she knows I need one too 
She thinks it’s sympathy 

Really, it’s just pity 
To avoid the same pain she holds 

And so her touch stings 
It feels like shame 

But I can’t say no. 

Then she’ll think she did something wrong 
And that hurts me too 

So either way I lose 

It’s always that way with them 
I never got to choose 

When you’re raised by people 
Who never lived 

Who only give to take 
And take to give 

That’s all they know 
And no matter how much I tell them 

Or how much pain I show 

They’ll never change 

And so they’ll always think it’s me 
That I’m fully to blame. 

When really 
I only ever am a small extent. 

Always taking so much responsibility 
The only escape I find is to repent 

And then my mind outgrows my heart 
Weaving threads of compassion 

Before my body has felt 
Or even begun to start 

It’s all I’ve ever known 
Survival for me 

Yet I called it growth 

An ego that multiplies 
At a stupendous rate 

Until my heart dies 
And it was never too late 

I was actually too far ahead 
Always planning 

Being ready for what’s next 

The next attack to come 

From people who don’t have a single clue 
All the harm they’ve done 

And so I told myself 
I’ve done it too 

I’m responsible just as much 

For reflecting, 
Being that mirror of truth 

Even though I’ve known better 
And I still accepted that same touch 

I knew right away 
Yet I couldn’t know 

That I was so safe in my trauma 
I confused it for snow 

Pure and white 
Frozen, but would eventually melt 

Really, it was ice 
In the shape of a dagger 

Piercing my veins 
Avoiding all the pain that’s been felt 

And so I kept giving 
To people who felt like that 

And that’s not their fault 
But it surely wasn’t mine 

And so what do I do when I know 
I hate them but I shouldn’t 

They’ve all helped me grow 
But it’s only because they wouldn’t. 

So I had to 
I’ve always carried so much 

So many bags full of sand 
I could barely hear the crunch 

The grittiness 
Could barely feel the weight 

When it was always there pulling me 
How could it not feel right, the same? 

But something in me always knew 
This is not the way it has to be 

This doesn’t feel like love 
The kind I see in movies 

That I know is possible 
That those around me tell me is not 

They keep me in their state of misery 
An ice cold heart, to protect all that’s hot 

The anger inside 
The wretched heart of a girl who has died 

Not once, not twice 
But hundreds of times 

For people who never could 
Who would never even try. 

At least not for me 
Always used me as bait 

Loved having me around 
But just while they wait 

For someone else to show up 
Who they can prove themselves to 

Who they aren’t so easily above 
Me, I always lose 

No matter who I’m with 
I always surrender to them 

I don’t know why I assume 
That everyone is better, that I’m always the bad guy 

It’s like a victim complex but worse 

To always see the good in others 

It always leaves me hurt 

That doesn’t mean to stop 

It just means find yourself first 

Before you go back out there 

Show them how to love 
Show them how to give 

But I keep telling myself 
I haven’t done it 

That I don’t know how 
That I’m just as bad as everyone else 

Because they’re not really bad 
And neither am I 

But I know there’s a different way 
I know there’s a better life 

Without manipulation 
Without games 

Without tests and convincing 
Just accepting, even of shame 

And so I try to be that for myself 
And I still do today 

But it’s a war with my mind 
A struggle because peace, I always think I find 

Until I realize 
My heart hasn’t yet 

I was just convincing myself otherwise 

That’s how I always escaped 

But really it was just a trick from my ego 
Since it begged me to stay 

Saying, I should be able to handle this 
Confront this, here 

But I never could communicate it 
And I still don’t know if that means 

That I haven’t fully learned 
Since I haven’t fully heard 

With my own ears 
The voice of me 

Saying please 
Don’t do this to me anymore 

Except I have 
And those people 

They just don’t understand 
And so I assume no one else will 

And to be honest 
They never have 

I’ve always tried 
At least a little 

The victim tells me I should’ve tried more 
It’s like escaping that complex 

Just created the same one
But different than before 

So what do I do now? 
Trying to follow my heart 

It’s the only way 
But most times, I don’t even know where to start 

It’s so clogged 
And I just think 

Gods pushing me 
Because I wanna get there so bad 

The place where my heart knows itself 
And holds on to no feelings of lack 

I think I’m lucky 
Because I’ll get to experience it so soon 

Without all the heartbreak 
I’ve experienced enough
Including all the extra ones i put myself through 

But I never meant to 
And so that’s how I forgive them 
Because I forgive myself too 

So then I can’t feel 
When I know nothing matters anyway 

When I know we’re all the same 
So what’s left to do 

Except just sit here 
Wallow, and break 

But then my mind might take over 
And that’s too much to bare 

I hate it so much 
I never know who to trust up there 

And so I want someone to tell me 
To help me at least 

But I know I’ll be stronger 
Better, once I’ve prepared my own feast 

It’s been in preparation for a while now 
But still, my heart doesn’t want to go there 

It’s still in so much pain 
How to get triggered and feel it 

When I know there’s no gain 
In doing any of the things that usually poke it 

The things that have no meaning 
That I can’t bare to desire 

Knowing that they bring me somewhere 
Farther than my heart can transpire 

The madness of my mind 
It runs so deep 

So many paradoxes 
So much convincing, trying to be perfect and meek 

Rather than just being 
And so there’s no point 

I’ve learned it all before I could experience 
I already know every breaking point 

Before it happens, I know 
And so I avoid, but I don’t 

But I do, but I can’t 
Bring myself to 

Do something that brings me happiness 
That I know will not last 

Except I remember 
What does my heart want right now 

Sometimes it’s food 
Sometimes it’s pain to be felt 

So I’m trying to let it out 
But even then 

If I’m trying it just comes back 
I don’t know what else to do besides just sit and wait 

And be ready for the attack 

That my mind will play 
That it’s scheming right now 

That it’s doing by typing all this 
But it doesn’t know it’s just hurting itself 

Block it 
A sign I saw 

And so that’s what I’ll do 
Thoughts of love that aren’t there yet 

And so I’ll ask myself, who? 
Who am I? 

And it’s a feeling that answers 
It’s my heart 

But there’s something in there 
And these words are a good start 

But are they just my mind 
Running circles around my heart 

Wanting to keep it dry 

Since that’s all I’ve ever known? 

So the only one I can trust now 

Is my heart 
But its broke 

Each piece 
Bitter and alone. 

And sometimes my mind helps 
Sometimes I really appreciate it 

But then I get too involved 
Attached to the rose tint 

So follow my heart 
Follow my heart 

A new mantra arises 
Will my mind just convince me 

I’m following my heart 
When I’m really doing otherwise? 

I hope I know the difference by now. 
I think I do 

But every time I think that 
I feel like a clown. 

My ego takes over 
Disguising itself. 

And I don’t realize til I’ve done something I can’t take back. 
My worst fear is myself. 

Please return carts here, thank you 
That’s all I see 

Sitting here in this parking lot 
Nothing matters to me 

So much pain I can’t get to 
Because I know 

I was giving meaning to highs 
That only brought me so low 

Streetlights and cars 
People, they stare

As I sit here under the stars 
In my car, in my underwear 

Where else to be 
What else to do 

My heart has escaped me 
I hope it comes back to me soon 

It’s here, I know 
Always here for me 

In this parking lot though 
There’s no point to be seen 

I can’t make them up any more 
Reasons to live 

When none of them fill me up like before 
Not since I realized 

It’s all a game 

A game my mind plays 
To mess with my heart 

That when I try to undo 
I only restart 

The cycles 
Do they ever stop 

Dear god please 
For once let me get what I want. 

And so when nothing matters 
They stop 

But that can’t be the answer 
I’m numb 

I’ve done it all 
Given it all up. 

I guess not quite 
But how do I follow my heart 

And give up what I love 
At the same time? 

Sacrifice for me, in the future 
Or follow my desires, for me right now 

A balance to be had 
That will eventually work itself out 

It has to 
Ram dass said 

Desires already falling away 
Day by day 

And then they come back 
But not as strong 

So I know I’m getting somewhere 
I’ve known all along 

And so maybe it’s not now 
There’s a time to rest and a time to push 

But when I push I find myself 
Feeling like I never should 

I hope I have the answers one day 
I’m sure it’s nothing new 

Just something that takes patience 
A wait. 

Trust. 

Why does god believe in me this much? 

I know that’s inside 
That belief 

But it runs me dry 
I guess if it does, then it’s not coming from me. 

And so I’ll find it 
One day, I’ll be complete. 

I already am 
But I can’t deny this feeling 

The one that says I’m not 
So I’ll honor it 

Keep trying, keep breathing. 

Although sometimes I want to die 
I thought I wouldn’t ever be back here 

Contemplating suicide 

But nothing matters
Nothingness is all there is 

And although I know this 
Behind every thought, there is him. 

And it kills me 
And I want it to go away 

Because I know it’s not his fault 
But it’s not mine the same 

It’s no one’s 
And it’s nothing 

And I’m trying to let it just be 
Trying to let it out 

Trying to accept me for me. 

But when I know it holds me back 
Keeps me in all these cycles 
All this attachment to lack 

I wish I didn’t know so much 
But god continues to tell me 

I’m the lucky one. 

I’m going through it fast 
With a mind like that 

I can’t help but wonder all the time 
Can’t help but find ways 
To live a better life. 

And I’ve almost run out. 
Now is all that is. 

So im trying to love myself through it all 
Knowing no matter what I feel and do in each moment 
I can always find forgiveness. 

Love is not a test. 
I try to remind myself this. 

All I want, is to rest. 

My heart it cries 
It beats for a man 

Someone I thought I knew 
But didn't 
And never had 

It knows it’s not good 
But it’s the closest I’ve felt 

No longer alone 
That made my heart melt 

I understood it all 
In every which way 

Then I realized it all 
Was just an escape 

Not that it wasn’t true 
But I hadn’t felt yet 

the pain of it all 
I wasn’t ready yet. 

And I’m still not 
I don’t know when I’ll be 

But now that I know 
It’s hard to just be me 

What have I done 
What have I done 

Wrote all my wrongs 
Put them in songs 

Had yet to know 
But convinced myself I did 

Eating my words 
Is as hard as it gets 

Sitting in the front seat 
Too afraid to eat ice cream 

All my happiness, outside me 
So I gave up my dream 

let my mind win 
Over my heart 

Still don’t know 
Where to start 

Inside is a good place 
Right here in the chest 

Love will never 
Feel like a test 

Games in my head 
Trying to do what’s right 

Always steps ahead 
But love is not a fight 

Not a game to be played 

You just follow that heart 

And trust you’ll find your way 

If not now 

Someday 

Trying to control it 

That takes you far 

Behind and forward 

Somewhere you may be 

And that’s okay too 

You’ll understand eventually 

We all do 

And we all don’t 

We’re all doing this 

Alone. 

All angels with one wing 
It takes two to fly. 

It takes none to sing. 

It takes none to dance, 
To find beauty in all things. 

there’s always a chance 
Always a way 

If you don’t see it now 

You will someday. 

Someday 

Never could read 
But always been a good reader 

Too many voices in my head 
Never could take a breather 

Yet I still performed 
So well all the time 

How could I blame anyone 
For not knowing the insides of my mind 

And so I’ve healed so much 
But I go to read and I still can’t 

I still can’t focus 
Still too many voices in my head 

Self reflection is a real trap sometimes 
If you don’t stop it 

But I got addicted 
Just like I had to everything else 

So how do you stop it 
When you know nothing else 

When all you’ve ever done is change yourself 

How do you just stop 

How do you feel good in your bones 
In your body, in your heart 

How do you trust that you’re good enough 
That you don’t need to keep the thoughts going 

How do you just stop them 
I don’t think you can. I think it just happens slowly 

And so it has been 
But why do I keep finding myself here 

Reading a book 
But so much going on up here 

I can stop it for moments 
And I hold it longer each phase 

But I can’t help but fixate 
On what I no longer want to stay 

I tell myself I’m bad for even having it in the first place 
So many thoughts 

How do I get where I know I want to be 

How do I accept them 
How do I let myself pause.

Every time I forgive and release 
It all seems to just come back 

It gets better each time 
But will it ever stop doing that? 

I know it will 
And progress tells me I’m doing the right thing 

I mean it more and more 
When I say what I say 

“I forgive you” 
“I love you” 
“I love myself” 

I don’t wish upon them the pain they caused me, the same hell. 

But at the same time I do. 

I can’t help but want them to go through what they put me through. 

And I know I did it to myself too. 

But I didn’t deserve it 
I never deserved all this pain 

But neither did they 
and they didn’t know what to do with it

And so they gave it to me to take 

And I did 
And that’s not their faults 

But didn’t they know? 
Didn’t they know that what they were doing was wrong? 

Probably not 
Otherwise they wouldn’t do it 

I’ve done things before too 
That I now wish I didn’t 

So I can’t judge 
Just have to accept it for what it was 

Realize my past doesn’t define me 
Even if it continues to see me that way 

As the person I was 
And not the person I am today 

My body tells me 
Exactly what’s going on 

But when I can’t figure it out 
I feel like I’ve done everything wrong 

This pain in my ear 
The fog in my eye 

What is the meaning 
Why do I even try 

Nothing is wrong and nothing is right 
These are just concepts in our minds 

So is space 
And so is time 

So many realms 
And all that’s real is you 

That’s all you have control over 
There’s nothing else you can do 

Besides find yourself 
Over and over 

Until you finally find you 

That’s how you find peace 

And you may think for some 
That it’s way too easy 

But you stop when you’re ready 
When you’re satisfied with your work 

It’s not for everybody 
But everybody can heal their hurt 

And if you wanted to stop 
You would 

So if you haven’t yet 
Trust that you won’t 

But one day you’ll know 
That you’re satisfied 

And that will be enough 

Until then 
Appreciate all that you’ve done 

And will do 

Because in the end 

All you have is you. 

Eternally alone 
But we all are 

We are all the same soul. 

You gotta move backwards to move up 
Going up only takes you back 

Why? 
Why does life have to be like that? 

And you can’t change it 
You can’t control it at all 

Every step you take 
Is just another step closer til you fall 

It’s so depressing 
So meaningless 

And I always think 
It’s gonna be worth something one day 

But why can’t that day be today 
Right now 

All of it 
For what it is in the moment 

Even going backwards and forwards 
It’s happening in the present 

Sometimes it’s unexpected 

And so is the wave that comes 
That comes after the storm 
That comes after the calm 

So are you really ever reborn? 

Yes but in every moment 
Even in the ones where you die 

If you can look at life like that 
Then you’re always alive 

But sometimes I can’t 
No matter how hard I try 

And that’s okay too 
Knowing there will always come a time 

Where I pick myself up 
Dust myself off 

But right now I’d rather not 
I want it all to stop 

Going so fast 
Trying to get somewhere that I can’t 

Trying to escape all these limits 
Knowing that I’m limitless 

But that almost makes it worse 
Because sometimes it just takes time 

Sometimes you just gotta face you 
It’s always your thoughts against themselves, not you against your mind. 

And so I watch the sunset 
And sometimes it feels like a rise 

And sometimes it’s the opposite 
Sometimes I’m happier at night 

And more scared during the day 
But then it changes and I can’t help but want everything to just stay the same 

Must mean I’m not as grateful as I can be 
In each moment that passes 

I can’t help but hate how much nothing lasts 

But I can 
There’s beauty in it too 

To know you have to move on from each moment 
And there’s nothing you can do 

Surrender wouldn’t be the answer 
Unless it was easier than you thought 

So stop fighting your mind 
No need to control every thought 

Just let it all be 
When you can 

Get out those feelings 
Even if you think they’re bad 

Cause they’re not 
Life is what you make it 

But the more you know that 
The harder it gets when you know it’s not what you want 

But could I want anything else? 
Sitting on top of this door 
To a water tower 
As the waters leaking down 

Birds chirping everywhere 
I really love that sound 

In the place I grew up 
I always hated this town 

But secretly I’ve always loved it 
Just wanted to experience it with someone else 

I only did in moments 
But could never just enjoy it for myself 

I imagined a reality 
Where I took someone back here 

So they could see 
So they could take it all in 

All its beauty, and love me 
Love me because I grew up here 

Because I know all the spots 
Because I make the most of it 

But really, how could you not 
You’re always trying your best 

Maybe you just don’t see it like that yet 
But the more you do 

The better it gets 

And the worse too 

Because you realize it can never be perfect 

But at the same time it always is 

These endless thoughts of mine 
Trying to find the wound that won’t let them stop 

Addicted to my mind 
Why can’t I just feel like enough? 

I know so much 
I’ve done it all 

The right place at the right time 
Is never ending 

Always happening 

So when you find it 
You lose it just as quickly 

God is trying to show you 
That the problem lies in looking 

So where’s this wound? 
I think it’s called just being human 

How do I resume? 
I just accept I might have to do it all again 

Everything I’ve already learned 
It may never stop 

But to me it’s almost worth it 
I’ve got no where to go, no money, no job 

But right here is where I want to be 
Right here, I am on top. 

I’m so sensitive 
I can’t help it 

I love hard 
Even when they don’t want it 

I break my own heart 
Will I ever stop it 

I’m tired 
Yet I’m relentless 

You always wanted to be loved 
But you thought you only could be if you were giving more 

You thought you only deserved it 
If you were left sore 

You didn’t feel safe 
To be with them 

And yet you gave them all your love 
They didn’t give it back 

And those who wanted to 
They couldn’t have 

Because you wouldn’t let them 
Unless you felt safe 

And those who wanted to 
They just wanted you to ease their pain 

So there’s a difference 
And it’s not their fault 

But they didn’t know love 
And you thought you did 

And so you gave it 
To everyone except you 

They killed you 
And you let them 

So now you don’t 
And now they’re dying without you 

So they blame it on you 
They say it’s your fault 

Despite all that you do 
They continue the assault 

They’re not even aware 
Of all that’s trapped inside 

In that heart of their’s 
That they want you to take 

Because they don’t know how 
And so they used you as bait 

And you didn’t have a clue 
But you do now 

And they didn’t know either 
No one is to blame 

But now you have to live knowing 
That they may always carry that shame 

And you’ve let it go 
Time and time again 

Someone finally did to you 
What you did to all of them 

Layers peeled 
Lying on the pavement 

No fruit to be found 

Keep seeing numbers 
Telling me to believe in miracles 

But is the miracle you 
Or me? 

Or both? 

Do we come together in the end? 

I won’t know 
Until I don’t care to 

The endless paradox 
That is my love for you 

Forever testing 
My love for me. 

Do you want me like I want you? 
Do you see me too? 

I know now that you didn’t before 
But you couldn’t then 

Can you now? 
If you could 
If it was worth it 

Would you already have? 

When I see your number I feel icky 
So gross inside 

I let you in
When you were really so different 

Than you came off to me 

You fooled yourself too 
So I can’t really blame you 

Can’t really blame anyone 

It just makes me feel so bad
To have been with you 
Thinking that I fell 

And thinking that you did too 

Not at all 

I just loved the way I loved 
And so did you. 

Turned my fragility off 
So others could use me 

Let them break me 
They made me hate me 

That’s what they wanted 
So that’s what I gave 

I no longer please the people 
Who just want me to behave 

I thought I let it go 
But it was really just the idea 

That hurt too 
But this worse 

The love I knew was there all along 
I thought I let it go 

But I was wrong 

The dream I had 
That went first 

But then the real thing 
That’s what really hurts 

Because to me it felt real 
And to him it was not 

To me it was a dream come true 

And so I realized I had to stop thinking of him 

But then I just found someone else 

Who reminded me of him 
But wasn’t the him for who I fell 

And so nothing eased my pain 
And it all came out again 

Will this ever stop? 
Will this ever end? 

I was so sure 
Now I don’t know 

I know I’m okay 
I like being on my own 

But with him 
What I pictured was the best 

I wanted it to be him 
But love is not a test 

I guess they really mean it when they say 
It’s not love til you find it 

I hope one day I do 
And I hope that I can get rid of this longing 

For it to be you. 

Thought we were friends 
Knew you felt more 
But you couldn’t say it 

I’m not responsible for that 
But I thought you still valued me 

As a person 
Not just someone you could do things for 

So that I’d give you what you wanted 

I thought you were pure 
Just wanting my presence 

Really you just want my attention 
Yours isn’t enough for you 

And I’ve been there 
So I felt for you 

Then you switch up 
Mean all of the sudden 

After hanging with your friends … 
What a loser 

And I never thought that of you before 
Even though I knew you thought that of yourself 

I thought we were friends 
But just like the rest 
You’ve been keeping score 

This was a test 

I gave you my heart, but not like you wanted 
So it wasn’t enough 

I don’t exist for you 
Or for them, or for anyone 

I thought you were my friend 
But really, you’ve just been waiting for this to turn into more 

And now you’re fed up 

And when I don’t feed that 

You pretend it didn’t happen 

I’ll remember that 

Speak your truth 
Do what you say 

Admit what you feel 
And maybe I’ll let you back in one day 

My feelings could’ve changed 
But you don’t do for you 

And you think it’s goodness 
But it’s really just escaping your truth 

Which I know now 
Just a few wrong moves 

And now I know 

I thought thank you was finally enough 

But just like the rest, you refuse to grow. 

I know now you were doing the best for you 
It wasn’t about me 

I know this because I had to do the same 
At least you taught me how to not take things personally 

So I’m on this plane and when I get off 
You won’t be with me like I thought 

I’ll forgive but I won’t forget 
You were unforgettable 

There’s still something in me 
That feels unloveable 

And no one could’ve given me what I needed 
Not even you 

So I’m grateful you didn’t 
Seems you had some sort of clue 

Of how I’d react, how I’d want you to fix me 
How I wanted you to be my glue 

Holding everything up for me, 
When you weren’t even holding it together for you. 

How could I expect that 
I was crazy to think 

That we could heal eachother without heartbreak 
But it was all gone in a blink 

Here I am on this plane 
In so much pain 

And I’d go through it all again 
I can’t tell if that’s love, or if I’m insane. 

If I think of you my mind won’t stop 

Thinking what could I do? 
What more could I have done 

Then I take a breath 
Ask myself, what are you feeling 

I say, I feel alone 

I gave my entire heart to someone 
Who so easily let me go 

How do I get over that? 
Even if I do love myself 

Even if I heal every little part of me that broke 
How do I do it 

How do I live life on my own 

Knowing that I wasn’t loved like that 
Wasn’t seen for my soul 

Because you didn’t see it 
I looked for everything about me that could be wrong 

But this was always the problem 
The only thing stopping me all along 

Your rejection brought me back there 
And it’s not even your fault 

You were right 
You were right to not catch me in my fall 

Because instead I caught myself 
Then I find myself wanting it to be you 

Knowing that in the end you did what was best for me, 
When you could’ve taken from me, and gave me nothing. 

You could’ve done like the rest, 
and done instead what was best for you. 

But I guess that’s how you were viewing it 
That it would be best for you to never feel the pain 

It still hurt though, didn’t it? 

Love is not something from which you can escape. 

You can learn from it 
But you choose not to 

You know no shame. 

Me, I was the opposite. 

I told you my ghost’s name. 

So you brought it back. 
You told me that was me. 

And I believed you. 
Yet again, I had to set myself free. 

But somehow you’ve always known that loving yourself first is right 

What you may never realize 

Is that loving someone else, is a gift 
A sacrifice. 

I tend to even let my creation have power over me 
Love it more than myself 

Look at it as if I didn’t create it 
Over and over, I deny my higher self. 

I thought you wouldn’t change me 
All that I had worked through 

But when you rejected me I became something 
Something a bit more blue 

Then I went home and felt worthless 
I turned black without you 

Something I never wanted to be again 
So I guess I had to go through it 

I guess I never learned my lesson 

I was lying to myself 
But never to you 

You’re the opposite 
Yet you didn’t lie 

You couldn’t have filled my cup 
I thought you could, and I don’t know why 

What possessed me to think 
That you were ready for love 

Without your heart in sight 

What possessed me to think this could work 
All along, you were right. 

“A lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep”

A woman doesn’t do for the approval of you 

She does because she can, and she wants 
She can never win, not in a world full of fonts 

Different variations of the same thing 

And the only ones who fulfill their uniqueness 

Well they just get judged, mocked 
Relentless 

But at least they can hear their own voice sing. 

I guess you just knew and I didn’t 
Something about what I said 

Otherwise you wouldn’t have let me tell 

Because I don’t think it was all in my head 

But I kept thinking you just didn’t believe me 

When you just knew I wasn’t ready 

And that neither were you 

I kinda wish you explained it to me 

Regardless, I grew 

The person I am now 

Knows I was never right for you. 

Dear Daniel, 

I met you and I was hesitant. 
Didn’t even know if I’d go. 

You showed up with flowers 
We took things nice and slow. 

I have no more words about you 
You could’ve at least eased my pain 

You could’ve said something more. 
You could’ve tried and explained 

I’m very understanding 

Maybe you were just afraid. 

But you don’t act like it

So how could I ever know 

I have no clue what this was 

If I could do it again, I would never show. 

Never have told you how I felt. 

But you did first, don’t you remember? 
Or I never would’ve 

You said “this is rare” 
I thought, no way he feels it too. 

Then you made me feel crazy 
For wanting to open up
For wanting to love you. 

You let me go before we even said goodbye 
You left without giving me a reason why. 

Not that I asked 
Is that all it would’ve taken? 

I feel like that would’ve just made you mad. 

Which I’d never want to do. 

do you have any clue 
how I looked up to you?

Opening heart 
Related to work 

Not working too hard 
But knowing the good I deserve

Pentacles fly to me 
As I open up my desire 

Love falls in shortly after 
As there is nothing else left to transpire 

I do what i can with what i have 
And recognize what I can do 

I don’t let fear hold me back 
I am always finding the balance, the one within two 

I can take it slow 
Hang real low 

And know I’ll be just fine 

Love on me 
Feel light and free 

Knowing that all of my choices are mine. 

When Two Fruit Fall 
After some reflection you got me thinking 
I can wait for our love, the academia 

Touch deprived, hollow inside 
I can’t possibly imagine the euphoria 

When I see you for the first time, again 
Rid me of my arachnophobia 

When you touch me, when I feel you back
Nothing can keep us from our utopia 

When I ask to braid your hair 
When you laugh at me, and we can’t help but stare 

Into eachother 
To get to know our souls 

We’ve known each other much longer 
Than we could ever know 

The longer I wait to feel you 
The more I appeal to you 

And the more you appeal to me 

Like oranges in an orchard 
Falling from their tree 

One falls first and waits for the other 
Neither of them can bare 

One lies there on its back watching and waiting
For the other to accept her dare 

She dares him to fall 
She dares him to love her and give her his all

He’ll have to eventually 
It’s just a matter of time 

She can wait any matter of seconds 
Because she knows the fall was just fine 

She landed right where she needed 
And she knows he will too 

Right next to her
Sometime so soon 

Each second grows harder, but better overall
As the longer she goes without him 

She knows it’ll be that much sweeter when he finally falls

My love for you is like that 
I lie here and watch 

A little lonely, but happy 
That the longer you take 

The sweeter our love will be 

I’ll stay ripe and I’ll wait
For you to fall into me

And once you finally do, 
It’ll just keep getting sweeter by the day

By the second, if I had to bet.

But unlike the oranges, for us it’ll never end. 

We are not attached, we are tethered 
Love tethers two souls, it does not attach them 

A rope between their hearts 
That they can pull on always 
As long as they remember it’s there 

They find their way back to one another 
In the depths of all their despair 

They hurt and they heal 
So that their link grows stronger 

They open up and they feel 
Until they can’t take it any longer 

Then they might close up 
But it’s always together, at the same time 

So then they open their hearts again 
Each time with more room 

For the love they know 
Is worth the wait. 

I have a habit of wanting what I can’t have 

But I wanted you before I even knew I couldn’t 

Thought I’d change your mind, you said you’d run but I was sure you wouldn’t 

You are every color 

You embody every color there is 

You must find the shade that suits you most in each moment 

And you are an accumulation 

Of all the shades 

And of all the colors 

That you want to be 

Priorities 

I don’t want to be scared 
I want to be free 

I want to be loved 
Love differs from need 

But then again, it’s not being needed that I want.

When he knows himself and doesn’t need me 
He thinks he loves me, it feels like a front.

I am a distraction, a side note
I don’t even make the list. 
My only function is to bother
He is the brain, I am a cyst. 

I want to be wanted 
Wanted so bad that it’s need 

Needed because without my love 
His heart cannot breathe

If he wanted to he would 
But do I just want too much? 

Is it really that he should? 
Am I brainwashed by his touch?

Each time he forgets me 
When he cancels our plans 
I think about the way he doesn’t know me 
He does not love the way I dance

He didn’t look around my room 
He doesn’t admire my art 
He loves me “because I support him”
He does not crave my heart 

He craves my body instead 
Like an animal he lusts 
He conceals it with “i love you” 
“I love you so, so much” 

The hardest part of it all 
Is not that I am giving more than I am receiving

Or that he does not check in, or call
Is it worse that he only did when I was grieving?

The hardest part is not even when he played the game 
The game he said he’d never play 
With the girl who was with his friend 
She is color, and in comparison I am gray 

I am dead and she is alive 
His friend is “needy” and so am I. 

You said my friend seems like one of those girls who lights up any room she walks into 
This is when you lost my trust. 

Not because it wasn’t true, 
But because it was. 

It made me ill; weak. 
You never say anything about me quite as nice. 
Except once, you told me I was “endlessly unique.”
To love you is to pay a price.

Why couldn’t you just lie? 
Why is my heart your heist? 

Your love is an exchange for pain, 
Although no pain will compare to the one in my chest 

The moment I realized you would never love me the way I love you

Not above all the rest. 

You taught me to write poetry. 
It is because of you that I am writing this 

You showed me so many things 
Was it out of love? Or to “leave a mark” in your midst? 

That may have been too far
But at this point I can’t tell 

It’s not your fault I love those who have no business loving me
I should have never fell. 

We accept the love we think we deserve. 
You love me? Do you really? 
I am not a time and place that you can reserve,
Why can’t I be honest, give you my feelings? 

Maybe because when I try 
The issue is lessened,
Now I feel like the bad guy.

I must set myself free,
This guilt is consuming.

The guilt of being with a good man, who just isn’t good for me. 

It’s so hard because I love you 
More than you’ll ever know 

But I don’t want this anymore 
I want to turn this rain into snow.

I want the downpour turned sunshine 
To turn into a flurry that sticks 

I know it melts eventually
But the rain, it’s so harsh and slick 

Snow remains, disappears, and returns 
Regardless of the tick, tick, tick.

How can we ever be in love?
We can’t; not when for you, time exists. 

How can we ever be free? 
We cannot for as long as you think
That you matter more than we..

Untitled 

Just like a lady, the dying flower weeps.

When she stands, her neck snaps 

Her head collapses at her feet.

She doesn’t want anyone to see her 

Only when she’s at lay can she rest.

She’s beat and hungry for life.

The burden of everything she is,

Faced with everything she could be,

Remains a burden;

Too heavy to lift her weary chest.

She lies down in the snow 

She’s cold and she’s alone.

Her shadow reminds her 

That she is but a rose, one rose.

How many roses have you seen? 

How many roses make you glow? 

This shadow shows her,

What she will never know. 

She hates her shadow,

She avoids it without end. 

But in the end is where it saves her.

It is her enemy until it is her friend. 

She realizes she’s never seen herself, 

Only a reflection;

She thinks 

“How could I see my shadow 

See its shape,

Watch it move 

And not see, that I am not just a shadow, 

But a rose too?” 

Now, with no answer,

No more questions,

No more wilt. No sorrow, in knowing 

That she has nothing left to do. 

She is possessed, her head raises 

Her neck snaps into place.

She sees the light, she dances in it 

This moment lasts for one second.

One second before she concludes, 

“But it’s too late.” 

Apricity, she only got a dose. 

It’s always too late when a lady, 

Discovers she’s a rose.